thenamelesself

last night was a bad night!  the day went super well as far as eating the right foods, but then i made cookies.  i’d say i have a bit more than a normal sweet tooth… i think i must have eaten about 20 cookies! okay maybe thats a bit of an exaggeration… it was more like 15 =/ i couldn’t face myself this morning and avoided the scale.  BUT! today was good.  i made up a study schedule for myself since finals are starting and included my eating and exercise plan into it.  everything went super well today, except for one little cake bite that i ate (i needed my sweet fix).  i got in about half an hour of exercise… its a little bit of a downer knowing that i used to be able to exercise for an hour and a half, but i can work back up to that as soon as i have proper time. 

i’m so looking forward to this winter break. i can’t wait to go home! we are getting a puppy - a goldendoodle.  i hope my cats like him/her.  also excited that i’ll have a proper gym once i go back home.  i know it’ll only be for about two weeks, but thats at least two weeks at a real gym.  another reason why i can’t wait for the summer too.  i’m planning on getting myself a summer job and going to the gym every day.  that sounds good to me =) i just wish i actually enjoyed exercise… oh well.

today has been a good day.  i resisted the temptation to order pizza twice, my brother and friend both wanted to order food tonight.  thats a big step for me as pizza is my favorite food.  each good day motivates me more to reach my goal, but its only the beginning and exams are coming up, which means stress and no time for making healthy food.  i hope i survive the next month!i’ve decided that the biggest thing i need to work on is not eating when i’m not hungry.  for me, whenever i think of food i want to it.  i don’t have to be hungry to eat.  if it tastes good i want it.  part of my addiction, i suppose.  my goal is to learn to stop eating when i’m not hungry anymore (not when i’m stuffed) and to not eat just because i want to.

thanks to those who have left me comments, i’m so glad to have your support =) thank you!

they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem… well, i have a problem.  i love food, plain and simple.  my dream one day is to go to culinary school and bake beautiful cakes and desserts for everyone to enjoy.  however, this presents a problem as i can’t say no to eating the things that i make. 

weight loss has always been a problem for me.  i’m 5′1 and used to weigh almost 150 pounds.  then three summers ago I had a breast reduction and went on jenny craig.  by the time i stopped, i was at 125 pounds and feeling pretty decent.  i knew i need to lose more weight, but my emotions are so good at controlling my eating habits that i couldn’t manage it at that point in my life.  then last year, i went back on jenny craig.  i worked out about an hour a day, 6 days a week.  i was able to run for 30 minutes straight, something i had never done before, and by the end of may i was at 110 pounds! i couldn’t believe it, i was so happy and so proud of myself.  i wasn’t at my goal weight, but i was close.

then i took a trip to israel.  i thought i would be okay, did a lot of exercise, but my willpower completely shattered when i discovered just how wonderful authentic israeli food was.  i ate.  i couldn’t stop eating.  when i got home from israel, i had gained about 5 pounds… not too bad, i could work it off.  two weeks later, i embarked on a journey to china for 39 days.  let me tell you, if there is any reason to go to china, it is the food.  i was up and down with my weight the whole 39 days.  i developed stomach problems halfway through my trip and ended up losing 6 pounds in about 5 days.  i was down to 111-112 and i was super happy.  but of course, when you lose weight that quickly it never stays off.

when i returned home i was around 117 again and not so happy.  But by that time, i couldn’t say no to food.

its been that way ever since.  i think i am now around 118 pounds and depressed about it.  i can’t bring myself to exercise, mainly because i’m at school right now and don’t have a gym worht going to.  of course, this isn’t an excuse.  i have workout videos and a small, awful gym downstairs - but it is a gym none-the-less.  i started back on a diet about thursday, but when i go out drinking i lose my head and eat.  the past two days have been bad.  i’m trying not to let it dictate my eating habits.  one or two bad days isn’t a reason to give up.  however, part of my recent depression is due to male problems.

once again, that isn’t a reason to give up and lose hope.  i should tell myself to be stronger for that.  to improve myself and maybe things will get better. 

but i need help.  i can’t do this alone.